so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
