Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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