Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
