Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
