Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
it hurts more in the daytime
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Randomize
