So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
