I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
