What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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