I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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