I can text with my tongue
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
