Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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