My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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