I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
