My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
