if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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