your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
