3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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