Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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