last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
