I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
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Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
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Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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