I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
