Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
