She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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