All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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