What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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