oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
