Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
