Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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