i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
