So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
