it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
