pedialite and red bull = repair kit
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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