Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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