So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Alive.
So much puke
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
