she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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