Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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