Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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