i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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