Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
