Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
