Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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