i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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