I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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