apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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