I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Text me some of your sweat
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
