I want you more than these girls want KFC
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
