I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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