Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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