my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
