i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
