Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
