i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
