sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
