I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
