break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
