he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
