You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
