She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
