Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
