So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
