so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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