Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Alive.
So much puke
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
