The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
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we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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