I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
