Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
