Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
