true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
