I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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